Back to the wilderness

It’s been almost 2 weeks since we’ve been back … in Qatar. I resist saying home because this desert place tangles with my heart and messes with my brain on so many levels. Yet after 6 weeks visiting friends and family aka wearing the same clothes over and over, sharing a bed with 2 mixed martial artists, adapting to others’ rules whether explicit or implicit… we all exhaled to be back in our own space.

I’ve shed a few tears about being so far away from my family and my friends when inevitably I have to make contact with … people I know here. I resist saying friends because they didn’t know me back in convent, Uni, London. Yet these are the people who I rely on to pick up my kids, have coffee with – never mind how infrequent and with whom I share the gripes that only grate if you live here.

I’ve lived in the house, which I was so grudgingly given, for longer than any other since I left Trinidad 25 years ago. It reflects my aesthetics from the deep coral (it’s not orange) walls to the mainly dark (a few pieces still to be excised) wooden furniture and the many (can never have too much) cushions. I’ve been with the same employer now for longer than any other before. Often in meetings, my manager will say things like only S would remember this or when people complain about something I utter the words ‘It was worse when F was in charge…’

I’ve done things here that I have only ever dreamt of before which led me to reflect on lyrics from one of my favourite hymns, Come Back to Me (Hosea) – ‘the wilderness will lead you to your heart where I will speak.’ The wilderness has afforded me time for reflection, connection with Spirit and myself – time to sift through the must dos and should dos to get to what I need to be and do.

I’ve changed roles at work. There’s no promotion, no pay rise and there’s already a lot more work to do and the learning curve is steep. It’s exciting and scary in equal measure because it’s a Communications role – another one of those dreams I smothered for so long for so many reasons I’m surprised it didn’t die.